Nello’s Testimony

This is my story about what God has done in my life and the testimony which God has given to me. I hope and pray that it might be used to reach others who are struggling with the same struggles I have experienced in my life. If my testimony can be used by even one person to find the way to the Lord, then it will be worth it all. “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.” (Revelation 12:11)

As far back as I can recall, I always “thought” I was sexually attracted to other males. Of course, at such a young age I had no understanding of the feelings I was experiencing or what they were all about. I had been a “mistake”; from the moment I was conceived. My parents did get married, but it ended in divorce shortly after my birth. Not only did I not have a father in my life, but there would be no other male role models in the years to follow. All I remember is that I had such a strong desire to be held and to be close to another male.

In the years that followed, the real reasons for those feelings would be twisted and distorted by the enemy and by my flesh. They became the base for the subtle lie of homosexuality which was being laid in my young life. Eventually I would accept the lies as the truth. Event after event would be twisted and distorted, leading to yet another lie; satan truly is the great deceiver.

My mom and I started attending the local UPCI church when I was 4 years old and I began to learn all about Jesus. When the church doors were open, we were there. I remember how I loved attending Sunday School and learning how to be a “busy bee” for Jesus. I also remember the hard wooden pews and the seemingly never-ending sermons. Back in those days children did not sleep during church. To this “little boy,” life was good, and I didn’t have a care in the world.

When I was ten years old there was a major split in our church. Half the members left, and the other half stayed. I was part of the half that left. It’s as though a switch in my life was turned off and everything that was, was no more. No more church. No more Sunday School. No more Jesus.

During those first ten years of my life, there were two defining events taking place that would forever shape and change the course of my life. First was the planting of God’s Word, the “truth,” deep in my heart, mind, and soul. As John 8:32 says, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” Second was the increasing awareness that there was something very different about myself and that I was becoming more and more sexually attracted to other guys. Another LIE ~~~ that little boy was not looking for sex: he was looking for the love and the arms of his Daddy: he was longing for what was normal and healthy and of God.

Without church, the doors to things of the world were now wide open in my young life. Without the godly direction which I so badly needed, I began more and more to choose the things my flesh desired. I started doing things and trying things that I had never done before. I started hearing new words such as gay, queer and faggot and I knew that in some way they related to me. Although I did not understand what was going on with my thoughts and feelings, I instinctively knew that it was bad, and I began feeling shame and fear over who I knew I was becoming.

By the time I had graduated from high school and entered college I was actively involved in homosexuality and alcohol was fast becoming my “best friend.” I was completely confused about my identity and my purpose in life.

After completing two years of college, I enlisted in the military, traveling the world, drinking, partying and yes, continuing my involvement in homosexuality. After six years of military service, I decided not to reenlist and so with my honorable discharge in hand, I headed out into the world. For all practical purposes, I was a full-blown alcoholic by that time.

I was 27 years old, and it was at this point that I completely accepted the lie of homosexuality and labeled myself as “Gay.” My whole world was consumed with the so called “gay life” and if it didn’t have something to do with homosexuality, then I didn’t want anything to do with it. I practically lived in the gay clubs and all I will say about the extent of my sexual activity is that I was at the bottom of the pit of sin and perversion. I had been duped by the lies of the world. I had bought the lies, hook, line, and sinker. It’s a total miracle from the Lord that I never tested positive for AIDS and that I’m even alive today.

It didn’t take long until I lost everything to alcoholism, and I ended up being homeless and eating from trash cans. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered suicide. satan almost had me; he almost destroyed me. John 10:10 reminds us that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” But somewhere there was a mother who had never given up on me and God began to answer her prayers. After spending two years in intensive residential treatment and a half-way house program, I never picked up another drink nor did another drug.

With my new sobriety I was able to complete my Bachelor’s degree and went on to complete my Master’s degree. With sobriety I was also able for the first time in my life to maintain a long-term relationship and for the next ten years was in a monogamous gay relationship. Once again, to me life was good, and I didn’t have a care in the world.

I celebrated New Year’s Eve 1998 at a gay club. God was the very last thing on my mind. In fact, God had not been on my mind for many, many years. I had come to hate “religion” and Apostolics were at the top of my “enemy list.”

Saturday morning, January 1, 1999, I was alone at my home. I had just poured myself a cup of coffee. Suddenly I froze in my steps. From out of nowhere, I screamed at the top of my voice; “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” In that instant, God broke the chains of bondage and gave me back control of my mind and total power of choice: a mind that was clear and able to think and choose freely. But it was still all about choice, and I had to make a choice. Right then I knew it would be my last chance to choose God. I CHOSE GOD!

After all the years gone by and with all the hate in my heart, I immediately went to my computer and began to search for a UPCI church. WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! At that time, I lived in the New England region, and I knew that there were no UPCI churches close by, but I was hoping to at least find one in the same state. I found a directory of names and email addresses for UPCI members. Guess what I found?

Yes, I found a name and not only was the person very near to where I lived, but there was also a new UPCI Home Missions church as well. I was in awe, total and complete awe. I just could not believe what was happening. So, I got bold and sent off my email, asking about service times and requesting that I be added to their prayers. That’s it, nothing more. I received a reply that same day and was asked if I might be able and willing to be a little more specific as to my prayer needs. Well, what did I have to lose! I was on a computer, and they would never know who I really was. So again, I got bold and typed the words “I’m gay” in my next email. I did not expect to hear from them again.

The email which I received back within the hour was the most loving, caring, and non-condemning message that I had ever received from a church person. It was also the most hopeful message that I had ever heard about God’s love for me and that with Jesus I could live a life that would be according to God’s will. It also made it clear that sin is sin and that I was no worse because I happened to be gay. (God bless you, Shawn!)

Soon afterwards I met with Shawn and started attending church. It had been almost 40 years since I had last set foot in an Apostolic church and God’s truth was still there. And so were repentance and forgiveness and the Holy Ghost! No longer was I running and hiding, keeping that horrible secret all locked up inside. I was able to start talking with my Pastor and with others in my church family and receive their love, support, and prayers. This is what makes the difference!

It continues to be a daily process of overcoming and growing in the Lord. If I told you that it has been an easy journey, I would not be telling you the truth. I understand what it means to “deny myself and to take up my cross.” I understand what it means that “my flesh must die” ~~~ LESS of me and MORE of HIM!

Jesus did not give me amnesia. He did not wipe away all my memories, attractions, or feelings. I still have same-sex attractions. I don’t know why God hasn’t changed those attractions; the reality is that He has not, and He may not. So, for today I enjoy a life of chastity in singleness and my focus is on knowing and loving Jesus more and more and growing upright into His holiness.

This journey is not about “gay to straight” ~~~ it’s about “lost to saved”. No longer do I walk in condemnation. No longer do I live in the “slave mentality.” No longer do I accept the lies about my identity and who the world says I am. GOD’S WORD tells me the truth about my identity!

Today I am truly able to say, “Therefore if any man be IN Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

God bless you!